The Sh*t That Gets Said In My House

Me: “Why do you act as if you can read my mind?”

Shawn: “Because I can!”

Me: “If that were true, you could have saved us a LOT of grief.”


Me: “They’re putting in a Burger King a couple miles from our house! Ooh, Bacon King!”

Shawn: “That’s what they’re gonna name my first heart attack. Naw, Bacon King Junior for the first one. It’s a minor heart attack”

(NOTE:  I’m pretty sure this man developed an erection after being told Burger King will be down the street)


Shawn: “I found your gun clip.”

Me: “Oh great! I’ve been looking for that!”


Me: (in the bathroom, talking to Shawn through the door) “Is it more embarrassing if I say I farted out of my butt or my vagina?”

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