The Trouble With Keto (it’s the pooping)

I’ve gained weight after months of being the Keto diet. Well, mostly months. I’ve had a few slip ups and hang ups and downright abandoning the plan. When I was 20, I learned about the Atkins diet, did that for 2 months and lost 40 pounds in the middle of a fairly sedentary lifestyle. Also, for the first time in my life, I’m pooping almost every day but’s it’s not consistent. Sometimes it’s normal. Sometimes my stomach makes angry sounds 20 minuets after a meal and I’m carefully running to the toilet where I experience something I can only compare to a fire hose.
So what was different then that I’m not doing now? I had to ask myself. And so I did.
I was 17 years younger.
I didn’t have any packaged foods, even store bought frozen meatballs.
I cooked. A LOT.
I ate only meat, cheese and eggs, nothing else.
Shawn wasn’t bringing in pizza and cheese fries all the time.
This is a problem. It’s like trying to quit smoking crack while still living in the crack house. Or whatever crack addicts do. OK, more relatable to me, it’s like trying to quit smoking in a house full of smokers. It’s HARD.
“This is the last time, please,” I begged as I ate a new snack he’d discovered at Jack-In-The-Box. It was curly fries doused with processed cheese (which I normally hate) and what is that…ranch dressing?! If I was a pot head, this would be a dream come true!
“But I love you!” he exclaimed. Shawn wants us to enjoy things together I guess. “You’re just trying to fatten me up so I can’t fit through the front door! You just don’t want me to escape!”
I considered the theory that one day, Shawn might go off his meds and decide that I’d had wised up. But if he gets me fat enough, I’ll never be able to leave the house and will have to stay with him forever.
“But, I Love you!” he said. “OK. No more.” Let’s see how it lasts this time. I can’t say no to certain foods. If they’re not around, it’s not a problem.
Living with a fast food junkie is difficult. So I decided to make more of an effort. The grocery store was out of my meatballs so I decided to make my own, along with pork fajita meat, a pound of breakfast sausage, a pound of bacon, a pound of zucchini, two pounds ground beef with garlic and onion. Most of it went into the freezer alongside Mahi Mahi and a couple pounds of tilapia. That stuff cooks quickly, I can cook that on a day off.
This time of year is especially hectic for me. It’s the end of the month, end of the quarter, and end of the year. We have three small retail stores and several employees so that means I’ll be doing a LOT of math. I call it Satan’s Trifecta. With the added stress and pressure, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of cooked stuff in the freezer, ready to pop into the microwave because I won’t have much time to cook.
I wonder now if my almost-forty body will react the same as it did when I was 20. Probably not, but at least I won’t have to worry about meals for a while.
And I have a smart phone so rest assured, I can still write hilarious topics from the toilet.
Social media trends dictate that people like pictures of food. I don’t get it, but I figured I’d give in and share the proof of my labors. I should have also taken pictures of the two loads of laundry, three piles of dishes and somehow, the hours I spent working on the computer on a (groan) Sunday.

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