DAILY RANT Venting About the First Half of My Day

I had a small pile of errands to run last week but I got a cold so bad, even Sudafed wouldn’t touch it. Oh well. Those errands aren’t running away. They’ll be there next week. And so it begins.

Once off the interstate I hit a red light. In my rear view mirror I saw a crome ram’s head inching closer, closer, closer. HOW’S MY BACK SEAT? IS IT COMFY BACK THERE?

I came up behind someone at a sign stop. IS THIS SPACE FOR RENT? ARE YOU MOVING IN?

At Harbour Freight I was on the hunt for one specific item I had bought there once before but apparently they decided to rearrange the entire store. For some reason. Unable to find anyone that worked there I eventually found the item and made my way to the register closest to the door.

There was a fella three registers down (who didn’t even look like he worked there) that nodded at me. “You want me over there?” I asked.

No repsonse.

Calm down, Ms. Cranky, maybe he’s deaf. “Did they tell you about our member rewards programs?” the guy asked.

I looked around. WHO? THERE’S NO ONE HERE!!

“I’m not interested.”

“Even for free coupons?” he asked.

I DON’T NORMALLY PAY FOR COUPONS. CAN I EXCHANGE THIS PAPER MONEY FOR GOODS? IS THAT NO LONGER ACCEPTABLE? WHY DO YOU NEED ALL MY PERSONAL INFORMATION, BIRTH CERTIFICATE AND A HAIR CLIPPING IN ORDER FOR ME TO BUY SOMETHING? CAN I GIVE YOU CURRENCY AND JUST LEAVE?

At Academy, I was returning some pants I’d ordered online. A manager was called and she said she needed my zip code to look up the order. I browsed facebook, deleted some emails and TWENTY MINUETS LATER I was told the system was down.

I decided to see if the pants were in the store. I passed the men’s clothing section. There were pants for camping, pants for hunting, pants for lounging and pants for wrangling. And that’s just the front row. I was hopeful.

I weaved in and out of the ladies clothing section THREE TIMES. There were no jeans, no khakis, no sweatpants. The only thing, THE ONLY THING THEY SELL ARE YOGA PANTS. THERE’S NOTHING IN THIS STORE FOR WOMEN EXCEPT STRETCHY, SPANDEXY YOGA PANTS!!!! WTF???!!!

And then I had to look forward to getting home to call Blue Cross because someone at that Monkey House placed my initial binder payment for 2019 health care coverage on my old policy. Ha ha! They make it SO easy too because my member ID changed with the changing of 2018 to 2019. WHY? I’M STILL THE SAME PERSON! MY NAME HASN’T CHANGED. This happy little debacle is something I’d been dealing with since Saturday when I recevied an email stating that our coverage was cancelled due to delinquent payment. NO I WASN’T LATE. YOUR STUPID WEBSITE HASN’T WORKED FOR THREE WEEKS. THE AUTOMATED PHONE PAYMENT THING WASN’T WORKING EITHER SO I SPOKE TO A PERSON WHO APPLIED THE PAYMENT TO LAST YEAR’S POLICY. MAYBE YOU SHOULD HIRE SOME REALLY SMART DOGS INSTEAD.

Speaking of health insurance…

Naw, I don’t have time to go into that right now but I will so be thanking all those involved for making health insurance SO EASY AND AFFORDABLE FOR ALL US AND UNLESS YOU’RE STUPID, YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO READ THE HINT OF SARCASM THERE.

Sadly, that was only the first half of my day.

I can see why so many people turn to drugs and alcohol. I need cake. WHY IS THERE NO FREAKING CAKE IN THIS HOUSE!!!!!

Social Anxiety

You may not be familiar with this term. I’ll explain what it means to me. Using ordinary grocery shopping a few days before Christmas as an example, social anxiety can express itself in many forms. I feel compelled to address that many people experience different types of anxiety in public. Again, this is what happens to me.

WHY IS IT SO LOUD IN HEEEERRRE? I’m gonna freak out if I can’t get out of here soon. Music playing from the ceiling, children screaming, children crying, so many people talking on their cell phones.. WOULD YOU KINDLY GET OUT OF MY WAY PLEASE? There’s the “boop” noise from at least 15 registers, people taking up space in the aisle talking, making more noise because they haven’t seen each other since last Tuesday.

MOVE! YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PEOPLE IN THE WORLD! There’s the couple that walks side by side and one refuses to give way so I literally have to stop and park my cart while the couple walks past me. Again, PLEASE WALK BEHIND YOUR TRAVEL COMPANION. YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES HERE! There’s the one woman who, somehow, manages to take up the entire width of the aisle using her body and cart and refuses to budge because she has no manners and is currently staring at something unimportant in the baking aisle.

OTHERS NEED TO GET THROUGH TOO! BUT YOU DON’T CARE, DO YOU? I gotta hurry, man. I’m gonna lose my shit on one of these people. And that person probably won’t deserve it. It will be the merely the straw that broke the camel’s back. Whatever that means. Who came up with that saying anyway? We can’t come up with a more pleasant way to say, “Hey, you put too much on me. I’m gonna snap any second”?

I can’t breathe. IT’S SO CROWDED IN HERE! THERE’S NO AIR LEFT!! I feel hot so I try to speed things up a little. OH NO! I’ve been spotted by someone who knows me. OK, deep breath. It’s cool. This aisle isn’t too bad and it’s cold. Be polite, don’t show any signs of freaking out. He might not understand and think you’re angry with him. I’m not angry with him. I just have to get out of this store before I start jabbing people in the face with sharp objects.

OK, you’re ok. That went well. You were awkward though. Maybe he didn’t notice. I never know what to say to people I don’t know very well. I just try to push the panic down and hope no one sees the crazy bubbling on the surface.

Crap. Produce is over run with people that seem to be lost or out for a Sunday Stroll. Is that scratching himself? IN THE PANTS?! Omigosh, I gotta get out of here. I’m tempted to say something but that will take longer and may cause a fight, costing me more time. Tick tock. Crazy’s coming.

Made it to the registers! Hooray! It’s almost over. EXCUSE ME! DO YOU REALLY NEED TO PUT YOUR CART A QUARTER INCH FROM MY BODY? The belt isn’t moving and yet you people feel the need to cram all your stuff onto it, while knocking me over with your Mary Poppins Purse and breathing on me.

YOU ARE INVADING MY PERSONAL SPACE! THE ITEMS ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE ANYWAY! YOU DON’T NEED TO STAND THIS CLOSE TO A STRANGER, EVER! Again, I’m tempted to say something, but it’s almost over. The finish line is in sight!

Alright, maintain. Deep breath. Oh good lord! What the @#$% is going on at the register? Her debit card won’t work. Crap. After fourteen hours, I sweep all my items back into my basket. It’s not that much, but too much to hit the express lane. I’m not a Nazi, you know.

I choose another line. The lady with the big purse who was behind me is now in front of me. Think she’d offer to let me go ahead of her? I mean, I only have 20 little items and she has 4,728 items. I catch her eye. Nope. YOU WERE BEHIND ME FOURTEEN HOURS AGO YOU CHEATER!

OK, now what essentially happens is a TV version of a very long bleep to intensify the joke and laughter. Except I’m not laughing. Failed Debit Car Girl has moved on and now the woman who was behind me AND Big Purse Lady is checking out.

Oh @#$%!!!!!!!

I’m OK. It’s alright. I’m learning patience! I’d really rather get the crap out of here and be done with this all but I’m OK! Really, OK, deep breath. It was then that I snapped and stabbed the cashier in the eye with a pen.

I made up that last part. The cashier was actually quite pleasant, and the dude that bagged my groceries, he was cool. I see him all the time. This store has a policy of hiring baggers that might not be able to jobs elsewhere. The guy has the best smile and says very little. I thanked him and felt better. It was over.

Once I had everything in the car, it was time to start home.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHERE DID ALL THIS TRAFFIC COME FROM? OH NICE USE OF A NON BLINKER YOU FILTHY TURD! YOU KNOW THEY WERE STANDARD THAT YEAR, RIGHT?

I need to get home before I die out here. These people are nuts.

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The Trouble With Keto (it’s the pooping)

I’ve gained weight after months of being the Keto diet. Well, mostly months. I’ve had a few slip ups and hang ups and downright abandoning the plan. When I was 20, I learned about the Atkins diet, did that for 2 months and lost 40 pounds in the middle of a fairly sedentary lifestyle. Also, for the first time in my life, I’m pooping almost every day but’s it’s not consistent. Sometimes it’s normal. Sometimes my stomach makes angry sounds 20 minuets after a meal and I’m carefully running to the toilet where I experience something I can only compare to a fire hose.
 
So what was different then that I’m not doing now? I had to ask myself. And so I did.
 
I was 17 years younger.
I didn’t have any packaged foods, even store bought frozen meatballs.
I cooked. A LOT.
I ate only meat, cheese and eggs, nothing else.
Shawn wasn’t bringing in pizza and cheese fries all the time.
 
This is a problem. It’s like trying to quit smoking crack while still living in the crack house. Or whatever crack addicts do. OK, more relatable to me, it’s like trying to quit smoking in a house full of smokers. It’s HARD.
 
“This is the last time, please,” I begged as I ate a new snack he’d discovered at Jack-In-The-Box. It was curly fries doused with processed cheese (which I normally hate) and what is that…ranch dressing?! If I was a pot head, this would be a dream come true!
 
“But I love you!” he exclaimed. Shawn wants us to enjoy things together I guess. “You’re just trying to fatten me up so I can’t fit through the front door! You just don’t want me to escape!”
I considered the theory that one day, Shawn might go off his meds and decide that I’d had wised up. But if he gets me fat enough, I’ll never be able to leave the house and will have to stay with him forever.
 
“But, I Love you!” he said. “OK. No more.” Let’s see how it lasts this time. I can’t say no to certain foods. If they’re not around, it’s not a problem.
Living with a fast food junkie is difficult. So I decided to make more of an effort. The grocery store was out of my meatballs so I decided to make my own, along with pork fajita meat, a pound of breakfast sausage, a pound of bacon, a pound of zucchini, two pounds ground beef with garlic and onion. Most of it went into the freezer alongside Mahi Mahi and a couple pounds of tilapia. That stuff cooks quickly, I can cook that on a day off.
This time of year is especially hectic for me. It’s the end of the month, end of the quarter, and end of the year. We have three small retail stores and several employees so that means I’ll be doing a LOT of math. I call it Satan’s Trifecta. With the added stress and pressure, I wanted to make sure I had plenty of cooked stuff in the freezer, ready to pop into the microwave because I won’t have much time to cook.
I wonder now if my almost-forty body will react the same as it did when I was 20. Probably not, but at least I won’t have to worry about meals for a while.
And I have a smart phone so rest assured, I can still write hilarious topics from the toilet.
 
Social media trends dictate that people like pictures of food. I don’t get it, but I figured I’d give in and share the proof of my labors. I should have also taken pictures of the two loads of laundry, three piles of dishes and somehow, the hours I spent working on the computer on a (groan) Sunday.

This Story is Neither Interesting Nor Funny. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: My mom said, while genuinely laughing out loud, “I’m afraid to read sometimes! I never know what you’re going to write about!”

Well, I take that as a great compliment. I talk about poop briefly near the end. You’ve been warned.

Working out is hard. Well duh. It’s supposed to be. After too many years of blue collar work, my knees are shot but not nearly as bad as some. Follow that with years of driving up to five hours per day, my back is started to ache. Add to that very bad posture, a habit I developed at the age of nine when my boobs started to come in. I was ashamed and embarrassed so I slouched to hide them.

I’m not in terrible shape but for a 37 year old, I could do better. I learned about DDP Yoga through The Joe Rogan Experience podcast. Former pro wrestler, Diamond Dallas Page had a funky back, weak knees and all sorts of things wrong in his body after abusing it in the ring. So he developed this yoga after trying to heal his own body.

I watched the video with Arthur, the former paratrooper of Desert Storm. His body was broken, his back worn from too many jumps. He could barely walk. He was overweight and doctors told him he’d never walk again without support. After using DDP Yoga, Arthur had lost a ton of weight and was not only walking unsupported, but running at the end of the video.

For my Mom’s birthday, I ordered three different sets of the yoga. Rebuild is a three disc set that is good for anyone bedridden, wheelchair bound, with bad back or weak knees and uses yoga with chairs for balance and support. Just so you know, I began on disc two of Rebuild. I walk just fine but my range of mobility is limited and my knees shake when using stairs.

I also purchased DDP Yoga and DDP Extreme. I’m just starting out so I’ll let you know about those in a very long time from now. Another thing that intrigued me is that years ago, Dallas said you would never catch him doing yoga. So he designed this program for like minded folks. I’m not into hippie yoga but I’d like to straighten my posture.

My mom is physically a mess and my hope was that this was the affordable miracle I’ve been looking for. Arthur was in much worse shape. Dallas had wrecked discs in his back. I think Mom is missing two discs, just bone on bone in there, same as Dallas. I promised Mom I’d do it as many days per week as I could and we’d check in daily to keep each other accountable.

I was actually going to start a few days ago but I got the nastiest cold. So I started tonight. I really just started on the instructional at the beginning of Stand Force. This is a knee strengthening work out and I’m just learning the proper positions, breathing and whatnot.

I wasn’t expecting much but after 30 minuets my heart rate was up and I was sweaty. There may be actually something to this jazz after all.

I’ve back slidden terribly. On April 2, 2018 I started the Keto diet. Basically you eat mostly meat, greens, dairy and berries only. The lack of carbs force your body into ketosis, ie, using stored fat for energy instead of carbs.

It’s hard. It’s really, really difficult. I can usually do really well for two weeks, one week and I fall off the wagon for a day or several days. And I’ve gained weight. I did the Atkins diet when I was 20, eating ONLY meat and I lost 30 or 40 pounds while working a cashier job and playing video games during every spare moment.

This is my biggest issue. I’ve always had a love hate relationship with food. All these months I’ve been careful not to keep certain things in the house. Depression, illness, anxiety, whatever it is will crop up and it’s a very easy excuse to use.

DDP recommends getting off sugar, gluten and dairy (from cow’s milk) to begin with. All these things cause inflammation and inflammation causes pain. I can’t live without cheese, man. I’m trying to cut back on cheese. I keep very few packaged foods in the house. Packaged foods are your worst enemy! There’s soy in EVERYTHING! Soy is terrible when not in extreme moderation. No, no. I’ve learned too much about soy!

I’m fine eating the same things over and over, it never bores me. As long as I can eat fat and cheese, I don’t crave that other stuff (when in a proper mental state). I eat a crap ton of eggs because they cook quickly. One pan, done! In the summer I was eating 2 or 3 bags of spinach each week, switching to zuchinni during winter months.

However, inevitably, something screws up in my head and I fall of the healthy wagon. I don’t care what people think of my body. I want to feel good. I want to have energy.  I want to have that healthy state of mind that healthy people talk about! I made a decision. I will try harder. I stuffed the freezer with fish and zuchinii (I hate most green veggies). I started DDP Yoga today. I promised my pit bull we’d play harder and go for walks during nice weather. Although the last time I “walked” Matilda, she forced me to run until I felt like I had to poop. We hurried home and I hit the toilet pretty hard.

I gotta ween myself off the cheese. I’ve never eaten so much cheese in my life! I tell myself it’s OK since I’m not eating any of the bad stuff. I put cheese on EVERYTHING. Eggs, beef, meatballs (even cream cheese), I eat cheese almost daily. And I am pretty sure this is the reason for my bathroom issues.

My running joke is that I’ve been constipated since my mother put me on solid foods. For real. When I was 14, my dad rushed me to the ER thinking my appendix was bursting. Nope. Just a backed up colon.  Awesome.

Anyway, since I started Keto, I go nearly every day and it’s usually about 20 minuets after I eat. And it’s not pretty. It’s like a fire hose. I haven’t farted in months. At least not on purpose. I’m so terrified I’ll have an accident! Don’t worry, I have a story on that forthcoming. I’ve considered eliminating cheese and see it causes me to poop normally (what’s that?) but I don’t know if I can do it without physically harming myself. I need cheese in my life! At least for now.

I used to be so hard on myself when I screwed up. I basically bullied myself. You are so weak. You can’t undo this. Why can’t you just eat clean? What is wrong with you?

I’m a little easier on myself these days. OK, you screwed up. Tomorrow is a new day. We’ll start again.

Hooray for Tomorrows.

I have not received any payment for recommending DDP Yoga.  I’m just now checking it out.

http://www.ddpyoga.com

Dallas spent $3 million getting this out there.  It’s worth a look.  He gets his kicks by helping people.  See Arthur’s transformation using the link below.

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Be Kind

Shawn and I have a couple small stores and occasionally we like to hold donation drives for different events.  For us personally, when we match the amount, we at least know exactly where our money is going.  We’re both suckers at the Dollar Tree when the person ahead of us doesn’t have enough money, and the homeless person that isn’t a junkie.

I’m not trying to brag on ourselves.  Just do what you can.  If you have nothing to give, be kind.  You can always give a smile.

We have a small Hobby shop with a game room.  Jessica Settle is one amazing teacher.  She approached the school board and now these kids get credit for playing Magic The Gathering, a complicated card game that teaches many skills.

These kids are the best!  They are polite and respectful.  We just wanted to give something back to them.  The next game is a bit expensive so Shawn and I both agreed to match donations from our respective stores (in secret though, we’re trying to see how much we can raise to get Shawn’s head shaved!)

Shawn has been wanting to shave his head for a while (he’s starting to get bald patches in there) so now we have a good cause.

We placed donation boxes and flyers at both stores and our Facebook posts have been shared multiple times.  “I’m gonna be bald by Tuesday,” Shawn laughed.

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The Joe Rogan Experience

The Joe Rogan Experience has made my sometimes an hour drive both ways commute positively enjoyable. It’s cut down my road rage by 80%
I’d like to share to share some of the more recent ones that I deem MY FAVORITES.
 
David Goggins episode 1080
Now here’s a man with stories! The only person to ever go through Hell Week THREE TIMES in one year. (he was terrified of the water) He is also only one of 30-something African Americans to become a Navy SEAL.
He has a new episode 1212, I haven’t checked it out yet but it’s on my list.
 
Diamond Dallas Page episode 1166
This guy is hilarious! I haven’t watched wrestling in 20 years but it’s really not about that. Dallas had broken his body and given up on doctors, he figured out how to heal himself. He spends his days now helping others heal their bodies. (He also housed Jake Roberts for 3.5 years to get him off drugs and booze)
 
Jake the Snake Roberts episode 1205
This one is an emotional roller coaster. Roberts had tears in my eyes one minuet, laughing out loud the next. He talks about his experience with being raped as a child, thirty years of cocaine use, the road to sobriety and had me genuinely laughing all the way through.
Truly an amazing story. He makes me regretful that I never got to shake the hand of Andre the Giant (on my list of people I’d like to meet, living or dead)
 
Andrew Weil episode 1213
This doctor will not get boring. He bounces around from subject to fascinating subject and is worth listening to twice!
 
Mikhaila Peterson episode 1164
She suffered from a rare auto immune disorder that doctors had no idea how to fix or even treat. Experimenting with foods and elimination diets, Peterson found her cure. The years leading up to that cure contain some very interesting stories.
 
Jordan Peterson! There’s several and he’s Canadian and he’s an absolute joy. You gotta start with the first one (I think it’s 877. There’s a few) where he talks about the forced terms of speech imposed by the government. He’s funny and fun and yes, Mikhaila is his daughter.
 
And if you like biology….ANYTHING by Dr. Rhonda Patrick. I love this woman and I want her to move in with me. I’d be so healthy! She explains how the body works in ways I can understand, dangerous prescription drugs, magic foods and all kinds of stuff.
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Must Love Dogs

“If Shawn goes first, I’m not dating. That’s it for me. I’m done.” I said this to a friend of mine who responded with, “Aww, that’s so sweet!”

Here’s the thing. Dating looks like a big hassle. Why would I want to do that? I watch what these young people go through today. There’s a lot of crazies out there. I don’t like going out, I don’t want to go out. I don’t care much for meeting new people and who’s to say I’d enjoy the company of anyone else? I might be annoyed for two hours because I’m too polite to bluntly say, “Life is too short to waste another hour with your boring, go-no-where stories.”

I’ll be just fine. I have dogs! Look, Shawn and I have been together 20 years as I write this. You don’t get that after a couple of dates. We know each other. We know each other’s stories and families and history. I don’t want to invest that much work and time in another person. You can’t recreate that.

Shawn and I actually never had a first date. We met when I was 14 and he was 16 and neither of us was driving so we just hung out. We talked and shared. We played Magic the Gathering, Warhammer, video games. Nerd stuff.

First Date, you’re taking away time I could be spending with my dogs, playing and getting exercise and enjoying myself. They make me laugh and they don’t ask much of me. I’m OK to die with my animals. I’ll not be alone and they don’t require me to apply deoderant on Sunday. Hopefully my body will provide them nourishment if someone doesn’t find me for a couple days. If it’s in the summer, though, eat fast. This is Texas and things spoil quickly here in the summer.

It’s not possible to have what I have with Shawn with any other human being. And I’m totally OK with that. So if he goes first, yeah, that’s it for my “dating life”.

After all, I’ve never gotten in a screaming match with my dogs so perhaps I can handle it after the first year.

Maybe it seems strange that I’ve given this some thought. We all die. It’s a part of every human life. I like to mentally prepare for all worst case scenarios. On the road, I’ve tried to train my brain that if a car is suddenly coming at me over the hill, I will veer right. Better to hit a tree. The tree is standing still just minding it’s own business. I might survive.

Same with loved ones. I mentally prep myself for the worst, which is possible. Shawn doesn’t take care of his body so I’ll likely outlive him unless a large tree comes at me on the highway. Either scenario is likely.

I see nothing wrong with living the later part of life with creatures who love me unconditionally. Also, dating looks like a big chore to me and I’d rather spend that part of my life doing what I love. And I love playing with dogs.

The Sh*t That Gets Said In My House

Me: “Why do you act as if you can read my mind?”

Shawn: “Because I can!”

Me: “If that were true, you could have saved us a LOT of grief.”

                                                                            ……………..

Me: “They’re putting in a Burger King a couple miles from our house! Ooh, Bacon King!”

Shawn: “That’s what they’re gonna name my first heart attack. Naw, Bacon King Junior for the first one. It’s a minor heart attack”

(NOTE:  I’m pretty sure this man developed an erection after being told Burger King will be down the street)

                                                                            ………………

Shawn: “I found your gun clip.”

Me: “Oh great! I’ve been looking for that!”

                                                                          ……………….

Me: (in the bathroom, talking to Shawn through the door) “Is it more embarrassing if I say I farted out of my butt or my vagina?”

Happy Freakin’ New Year

I never too much cared for celebrating a new year. It’s just another day for me. No big whoop. Yesterday the fireworks started around 7pm. At least I think it was fireworks. I would compare it to mortars being fired off. I’ve never heard a mortar, at least that I’m aware of, but I would guess my neighbors were firing mortars.

Eventually, I feel asleep and woke up at 4am, just before Shawn was going to bed. He saw my body jump in alarm as another mortar round was fired. I went to the bathroom and saw a bright flash of light in the sky accompanied by another loud popping sound.

“Where are these people getting their fireworks?!” I complained.
“I dunno. Fort Hood?” Shawn replied.

“Come on people. It’s been 2018 for four hours now! It’s MONDAY. That is all. It’s just another Monday,” I growled.

Actually, I think we should combine The Fourth of July with January first. We’d have to call it something else, of course, like, oh, I don’t know… How about Independence Day of New Year.

At least there’s a bit of moisture on the ground and I don’t have to worry as much about our drunken, idiot neighbors’ firing mortars to catching our houses on fire, as is the concern in July when it hasn’t rained in four months.
Seriously, this is a grave concern in our neighborhood on the July 4th. The city puts on a huge display every year in a park, IN THE CITY. Depending which direction the wind blows, we are sure to be cleaning up shells the next morning. Also, we don’t enjoy the fireworks display. We spend the entire time staring at the grass with a water hose in hand. Oh, and it’s been the exact same display, in exactly the same order for the last twenty years. I’ve already seen it. It does not amuse me.

One year, our neighbors’ roof caught fire after a hot shell landed on a vulnerable shingle. My brother in law quickly ran over, let himself into the backyard where there was a large party in progress and he hollered, “YOUR ROOF IS ON FIRE!”

The small drunken crowd proceeded to raise their arms and chant, “The roof! The roof! The roof is on FIRE!”

OK, I made up that last part. Concerned that maybe no one had heard him, my brother in law ran to the front, grabbed a hose and sprayed the roof. All was well and the owners were fine with it, mostly because they were probably a little drunk.

They didn’t even sue the city! I surely would have, especially since they claim the value of our house goes up every single year so we can pay more in taxes. Some years, we purposely made the front of the house look a little white trash so they wouldn’t raise the taxes. We even had an old toilet on the curb! A TOILET!

Alas, the city claimed our home was valued many more thousands than the actual value, even though there was toilet out front and random pieces of sheet metal projects scattered about.

So yes, I would have sued if it were my roof on fire. If they’re going to send balls of fire over people’s homes in July, the driest time of the year, they should also provide a water brigade to protect us.

Of course, they’d just charge that water brigade to our yearly tax bill.

NOTE: To my neighbors Lisa and Dave, LOVE YOU! I really don’t know if you were drunk or not. Adrenaline had filled Bob and he just reacted. I had to add some drunken details to add to the hilarity of this story. I still think you should have sued the city. Perhaps they would have provided a nice quiet settlement. And hush money. I would always take hush-hush money from the city.12339938665_e89eaf1c93_o

Ramen is Best Served in College

NOTE:  Like many of of my essays, this is something I wrote over a year ago.  I’ve been on the Keto diet for almost a year and the thought of eating Ramen noodles makes me want to vomit.  But at least Ramen is smooth when it comes back up.  For the record, if I’m going to have a cheat day, I’m going to have REAL pasta!  And it always feels like a hangover the next day (I’m not kidding)

 

I learned to make Ramen noodles the way my dad made them. Dad learned to make Ramen in the Navy. Apparently. Dad always made them with just enough water to cook the noodles, then added garlic and cheddar.

It was not until I was 16 or 17 years old that I realized Ramen was supposed to be a soup. Or that other flavors besides chicken existed. Really. I’m not kidding.

“What on earth is your dad eating?” I asked then 18 year old Shawn.
“Ramen noodles! Duh!” Shawn replied.

I made all that up because I really don’t remember how this 20 year old conversation went down.

I’d never had any other flavors, nor had I ever eaten Ramen as a soup. Later, on my own as an independent adult, I tried the beef, pork, and creamy chicken style. I tried them as soups, I ate them with little water and to this very day I still prefer chicken flavor with garlic and cheddar.

It’s the perfect thing to eat when I’m sick (should everything reverse, it comes up easily) and it’s perfect on a cold Sunday when I’m too lazy and cold to actually do much of anything. After a grueling three minuets, my hot meal is retrieved from the microwave and doused with cheese and spices.

In fact, I’m so lazy on a super cold Sunday that I didn’t even take a photo of my lunch. I Googled the attached photo. You’re welcome. I might even have a can of Beeferoni later.

Smothered in garlic and cheese, of course.

Note: Canned pasta AND meat! Mmmmmm! Please read between the lines for a hint of sarcasm.

 

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